We all scream

Dear Cold Stone Creamery,

I do dearly love your confections. I don't get to your stores as often as I'd like; by that standard I'd have to move a cot in and start paying rent. And soon, I'd be too big to get out the doorway. But I digress.

While I do appreciate that on my recent visit I ordered an "I Like It" size and was given an "I Love It" size instead owing to the absence "Like It" cups (apparently there was a run on liking rather than loving at CSC, and it would have been too gauche to simply put the "Like" into a "Love" sized cup), I would like to briefly comment on your semantics.

Starbucks started this, I grant you. I blame them first. But no one said you had to change "Small" (or "Regular") to "I Like It" and "Large" to "I Love It." It's twee, and confusing, and doesn't indicate to me whether "Liking It" means I'm getting a small, regular or medium. Why not have a third size, the "I'm Doing This To Win A Bet" size, and make it bottomless? So, quit it.

Secondly, along those lines, and this goes for everyone who ever creates a chain from now unto eternity: Do not require your employees to use specific statements when interacting with the public. I am certain that in the boardroom, deciding to have your scoopers (I wish we could still call them soda jerks) say, "May I help the next awesome customer" seemed like genius. But clearly none of those marketing talents ever had to say such a thing 856 times a day, 1284 on weekends.

As a customer, there is nothing more depressing (on many levels) than to go for ice cream (the happiest of food!) and find myself greeted as the 855th customer that day, with the flattest, most desultory, abstracted and bored rendition of "May I help the next awesome customer," which really came out as "MayIhelpthenextawesometcustomer."

It was not awesome. It took some of the happy out of the ice cream, frankly.

But then I got a larger size, so I was loving it.

Sincerely,
Armchair General